Saturday, September 26, 2009

The grade school years

I have always thought that girls got to
wear the best cloths. Even as a child I
would see girls wearing very simple
cloths very similar to the cloths I was allowed to wear but somehow they were prettier. better colors and patterns and well they fit better. It seemed to me that all boy cloths were kinda baggy and bland. Maybe that was just me since I was a bit different from everyone else.

The years of grade school were definitely easier to cope than the following years. I can honestly say I had fun in grade school I could play with the girls and nobody really cared. I had several friends I talked and played with everyday. there was also my best friend Katie we did everything together. It was thru her I would come to understand the there are some pretty amazing people in this world.
In grade school the 6th grade to be exact I asked one of the dumbest questions possible in front of the worst people possible. I asked Katie what it was like to be a girl. she said I dont know I like being a girl, whats it like being a boy? of course being me I answered I dont like it I think being a girl would be better. roars of laughter from all the boys sitting near us. I had a feeling this was a huge mistake and I was right.

I left school that say to walk home I noticed a crowd of boys behind me. I knew something was going to happen and I hoped it would just be teasing. well they caught up to me. and the teasing did begin I was called a sissy a fa**** they pushed me around the mark the biggest dumbest kid at the school he was 2 years older than the rest of us (he got held back twice) yelled lets play smear the queer and kicked me in the face. I dont remember what happed after but I ended up with 4 teeth gone a broken rib and a pain in my crotch that lased a week.

This was first of many beating I would get but it was by far the worst. the only conciliation I got was mark went to Juvenal corrections and I never Saw him again. Katie was a total best friend after that she stuck up for me and generally made most of the kids not care that I was a different. Katie was an amazing girl the day I was at her house (my dad having givin up on me not playing girls) we were just talking and listing to music. she got a real serious look on her face and asked me do you really hate being a boy? I was dumbstruck I really didnt know how to answer but this was Katie so I told the truth. I told her everything how I liked girls cloths better and I felt I was girl and then I started to cry.

I was expecting revulsion and her never talking to me again. she hugged me and told me it was ok with her that we were friends and would always be.

I was shocked but very very happy to hear her say that. we talked alot more that day about all kinds of things. when it was time for me to go home I really didn't want to go but I knew I would be in huge trouble if I didn't.

It was then I did something I would find my self doing many times over the years and Iam not proud of doing it but I took a pair of her panties. I dont know if she knew or anything but over the years I probably took over a dozen pairs from her. and other things as we got older. If she knew she never said anything. my personal belief is she knew and just didnt care.
well that was pretty much my grade school years not alot really happened except I found the greatest friend I would ever have. so I guess really something major did happen.

Monday, September 21, 2009

ok, I don't know how to politely say this but after wondering reading blogs and stuff It seems to me that allot of people like seem to hate themselves. I find this disturbing cause we all are wonderful beautiful vibrant persons. I've done allot of things I am not proud of (which as you follow this blog you'll see) but to call myself bad names and say some of the things I have read OMG.
firstly I never use this word and ask if your commenting you don't either "faggot" I hate it its not used for anything but to degrade. don't we face enough of that with out degrading ourselves?
second if you feel like that (hating or being angry with yourself seek help it can be worked through believe me. even a good friend can help you. you are worthy of love and able to give love. it the most beautiful gift you can give.
and I want anyone who reads this blog to know me ear shoulder arms and heart are available to you anytime. my im is i wont say i can help but I can listen. sometimes thats all I need so message if you want.
love is hard but its love we need
hugs to all

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The first time I ever actually put on girls cloths I was 7 years old. I had played with dolls did all the things the other little girls in the neighbor hood did. In fact I had no guy friends at all. I was really just one of the girls at that age. The day I put on girls cloths was a hot summer day all the kids were swimming in my pool and I had to use the bathroom so I went inside and on the floor of the bathroom were serveal piles of cloths. I don't really know came over me at the time but I stripped and reached over and put on the white nylon panties. Now I have read other blogs and things but I cannot remember any excitement they just felt right. I pur on a pair jeans with little flowers on them and a cute little tank top. when i looked in the mirror I saw a cute little girl looking back at and for the first time I knew I was a girl. if my mom hadn't knocked on the door I probably would have tried on every out fit in there.
At that age I knew nothing about "crossdressing" or gender dysporia All I knew was i felt right and Looking pretty made me feel good. It would be years before I would that doing this was wrong, or percieved to be wrong anyway. After that day I would wear girls things every chance I got I would play with make-up and dress up with the other girls that is untill my dad and there dads found out we played like that. then I was required to be all boy no more girls things I was told. like girly things were bad. I was small for my age with girls with the boys I was absolutly tiny. so I spent several years getting picked on.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I am April I was not born a women but feel I am a women and have felt that way since I was 8 years old. I knew then I was a girl I liked all the things girls did but had to do boy things. To people who have never felt this way it seems icky and wrong but to me it was harder to be what I was supposed to be than they can imagine. I was girl pretending to be a boy my whole life. that being said welcome to my blog I am going to start at the very beginning (well duh right!) my next entry I will talk about thte day I first realized I was very differnt from everyone else.